Southern Musings

Wedding bells or other special events seem to increase the desire to lose weight in many people. As a morbidly obese person, just day to day life makes me want to lose weight. Instead of losing, I just keep on going as I have for the past few years. I’m not losing and unfortunately may even still be gaining slowly.

Even though I do not have a special event to try to lose weight for, I know that my health requires that I find a way to lose weight. I don’t consider myself a “sickly” person, but I’m not a stupid person either. I know that my weight does cause issues that I would not have to deal with if I did lose weight.

You would think that would be enough to inspire me to lose weight. Before you can understand why I stay so heavy, you need to know the fear that I live with on a daily basis. This is a fear that is so overwhelming that I think it would be harder to deal with if I lost weight and regained it than it is to simply stay fat.

Speaking as someone that has not always been heavy, I feel like I have failed myself for allowing myself to get so big. I didn’t set out to gain so much weight, nor do I want to remain this size for the rest of my life. I can still remember how good it felt to wear regular size clothes. Whether I ever get back down to that size is for the future to determine. What really is sticking out in my mind the most is the feeling that I did it once, why can’t I do it again? Every single day that I do not lose, I feel like I have failed myself.

Honestly, my smallest days did not include my wedding day. I was at my smallest when my husband and I started dating. I often feel that maybe he regrets marrying me since I have gained so much weight. Of course, he is too much of a gentleman to ever admit to it. Plus, he has to love me to even put up with me. As you probably guess from my writings, I can be very opinionated.

I fear that anyone that struggleds to lose weight to get down to their smallest for a special event may be setting theirselves up for feeling the same sense of failure that I have dealt with. It is not a path that I would wish my worst enemy to take, much less a new bride. Can their special day truly be the happy event that they want if they are to scared to eat the food and drink being served without splitting their special outfit?

I’m going to admit it, I would LOVE to lose weight. Fear is stopping me from even trying though. Fear of reaching my goal only to regain the weight and facing this overwhelming feeling again. If I simply look at my weight from yesterday or even last year, then I’m not so much of a failure. If I go back to the memories of the time my husband and I were dating, then I am one of the biggest failures around. That is the overwhelming feeling that I fear. That is what is keeping me from losing weight.

Although, I do not have the answers I need in order to find my way around this fear, I do know that I need to find my own path to losing weight and banishing my fears. I’ve always said that I felt that diet should be considered one of the worst four letter words any person could possibly say. It causes so much pain and heartache. It allows us to set ourselves up for failure. Fear of failure causes me to not try to lose weight.

I do have an idea. Instead of trying to lose weight, I think that I should just concentrate on creating an atmosphere of healthy eating. I need to make small changes without worrying about a weight loss goal or even that dreaded four letter word. I do not want to try to face my fears, but I want to find a way around them. My weight should not be the deciding factor as to my happiness. When I obsess about my weight, then I allow it to have too much influence on my life.

As a southern gal, I love good food. That is not something that I am willing to give up. I still want butter in my cooking. I got to have my dumplings and cornbread. I refuse to give up my biscuit and gravy. I may not eat as much of them each time or I may not eat them as often, but I will allow myself the foods that I know will make me give up a too strict diet.

Instead of giving up anything, I’m going to add to what I eat. I’m going to add more healthy foods so that I will be less tempted to eat too much of my favorites. I am going to strive to overcome my fear by making positive changes in my diet. I’m going to work towards changing that four letter word that I fear into what it truly is, just a word that means what we eat. I’m taking restriction out of the picture. I’m taking the control back and sending the fears packing.

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